Monday, January 29, 2007
i bet wat i m gonna write will make u guys say, "oh yah... me too..." dis is dedicated to those who haf bfs and to those who will have one.
every couple, no matter how loving they are, will quarrel once in a while. the questions are, "how did ur bf acted?" and "what was your response?"
wat i heard on e radio was appalling. one bf kept poking his gf's head, den some pinched e gf, some shouted vulgarities to the gf in public. Got one even pulled the gf's hair until she fell to e floor in front of his friends! many would advise these girls to juz break wif da guy, but that is not always e solution. i feel that these guys haf to be moulded for e sake of ur future, or for e girls he will date in e future. perhaps, ur bfs are not as bad as wat i haf described above but u'd definitely would want to noe how to react to them when they show their temper.
dis is when i reflected myself and my relationship. ling is not exactly the person i'd termed as patient although he is swt most of the time. we quarrelled a few times. he shouted at me here and der. but e fact that we r still loving each other today and everyday shows how well we haf handled each other so far. my purpose is not to wash dirty laundry in the public by writing here. i dun even wash clothes. ok, lame. but my purpose is to reflect and hopefully provide enlightenment to others who face e same problem as me.
my bad experience wif ling is dat sometimes when we quarrel, he shouts at me and just puts down e phone. there was once in public, during fasting month, where he shouted at me juz cos der was no place to sit and eat to break fast. it wasnt even my fault. when that happened, i juz took a deep breath. looked around for solution. den i looked into his eyes and calmly told him dat we could sit at coffeebean for a while, drink some coffee and eat at a later time. he complied and we quietly went to the starbucks. he sat down, close his eyes. i ordered coffee and everything went back to our normal loving selves.
ur reaction would be, wat m i doing wif him? y was i weak and not retaliate? y m i still wif a guy like him knowing dat he is hot-headed?
it's bcos, like it or not, sometimes ur loved ones haf flaws. u cannot dump him juz cos he is hot-headed. also, i tink dat sometimes guys shout to show that they r superior than u, a.k.a ego. to me, as long as he does not hurt me physically, there is still a chance for the relationship to work harmoniously. either u live with it or u find ways to get a win-win situation or u juz try to change/reduce his flaws.
so, going back to that situation. wat would haf happened had i retaliated and kicked up a fuss about him not respecting me in public? wat would haf happened if i had juz walked off and left him der, alone? i guess, if dat happened, e quarrel would haf lasted 3 days and 3 nights and i'd no longer be wif him.
so, my pt is dat, if ur bf shouts at u, juz keep quiet. when he has finished shouting, u calmly tell him ur pt of view. try to exclude anger in ur tone cos if there is anger in ur reply tone, u r actualli fighting fire wif fire. dis way, once he has calmed down, he'd haf realised how immature it was to shout and hopefully wun repeat dat again. in fact, he might apologise and everything will go smoothly.
if u find it hard to be calm when he is talking, juz do this trick. if u r talking on da phone, put e phone away from u such dat u can only hear some muffled voices but u cant hear wat he is saying. if u r sitting face to face, juz tink abt sth else, but NOT HIM. this trick works. cos wat fuels ur anger are his words which are spoken in an angry moment. when both of u r angry, it is not good. so, this trick is also gd cos he doesnt even noe if u listening or not! after he has finished his rantings, juz tell him u love him. thihii....
however, this does NOT work well ALL the time. when i go quiet, ling sometimes feel dat i m showing my resentment which is not true. i go quiet cos i haf to calm myself down. my attitude is simple. in an argument, one party has to be calm if u wan things to be ok again. but sometimes, guys dun get it. so, wat ling did was he'd go on and on and make verbal nudges to get me to say sth. he'd challenge me. when i remained quiet, he'd shout at me. when this happens, u noe dat keeping quiet wun werk. at e same time, u noe u cant control urself if u speak. my advice is, to go ahead and shout at him back. yah, u r fighting fire wif fire but it can also be seen as fighting a poison wif another poison. but ur shouts should not be rantings and whinings. ur shouts should give the message that u r not afraid of him and dat his shoutings do not work on u. so, when dat happens, i'd shout,"hey, do u tink u r e onli one who can shout? i too can shout but i choose not to." or "dun tink i m afraid of u juz cos u can shout." this way, he'd realised that shouting at u is futile and most probably e guy juz keeps quiet and reflect on himself.
however, i haf a warning. when e guy keeps quiet after dat, pls dun say, "y quiet? scared issit?" i dun tink i ever said dat to ling but u shud never try to make him angry again.
how about guys who puts down e phone halfway thru tokin or who dun pick up ur calls when u quarrel?
well, wat i did was to haf this mutual pact dat we shud never ever put down e phone when e other party is toking. so, no matter how angry we r, we shud juz stay on e phone and keep quiet until we r both ready to tok. dis is a pact which i managed to keep but ling sometimes forgot. so wat happens if he forgot? well, u shud pick one fine day and tell him dat u heard a deejay on e radio saying dat guys who put down the phone or not replying to smses/calls are behaving like women. which is true. dis was wat i really heard juz now! bcos, dun those traits belong to women? girls r e ones who "merajok" (sulk). so, y r e men behaving like women?
so wat happens if ur bf physically abuses u and u dun wanna break up wif him?
my answer to this is simple. take up self-defence classes. i doubt ur bf takes self-defence classes. so, u haf more power over him. e reason for this is juz to show him that u r not weak, u r not afraid of him and e reason u do not attack, even though u haf e power to do so, is cos u love him and u feel that there r other ways to show anger besides physical abuse. i tink this usually happens to mats and minahs couples. minahs being minahs wun break wif e mats. so like i said before, either u live with it or u change his flaws.
but e blame shud not also be focused on e guys. sometimes, i m e one who causes the argument. when that happens, ling would be the one who is calm and quiet. he'd be e one who is wise at that time. u'll realise dat sometimes e role of the peace-loving swaps between both of u from time to time. e person who starts the argumet would always be e ones who keep arguing and the other party will try to stop the argument. y dis happens? i also dunno....
there r times when ling got my msg wrong. like dat time when i said we r both like chicken and duck. we dun understand each other or misinterpret messages sometimes. when dat happens, sometimes i accidentally laughed. haha!! cos it was funny. like u happily sms sth to him, he misunderstood u and get all angry and flustered and u r like, "huh? wat da hell happened?". like this one girl who said in the radio.
she said dat her bf was one hr late. she was trying to be understanding and patient by telling e bf dat he doesnt need to explain. but e bf misinterpreted her msg. e bf thought that she is showing resentment whereas she was trying to forgive him. so the guy scolded her or sth.
ao, misunderstandings happen. my advice? juz take it wif a pinch of salt or juz laugh it off.
for those who could not follow my entry, i shall summarise here.
1. In arguments between couples, at least one party should be calm to avoid fighting fire wif fire.
2. If u want to remain calm but find it hard to be calm, blcok his voice off ur mind.
3. If you cant control urself, juz shout at him back but ur shouts should not be rantings and whinings. ur shouts should give the message that u r not afraid of him and dat his shoutings do not work on u.
4. if the guy likes to merajok (sulk), hav a mutual agreement wif him dat when u argue, nobody shud put down the phone halfway. Or, you can also haf a nice tok wif him on another day, saying dat those traits r for women.
5. If your bf physically abuses you, take up self-defence.
this sem, i m taking a course on how to control misbehaviours, deviancy, violence in classrooms. so, hopefully i can apply wat i haf learnt to ling. heee.. i hope ling is not angry but i haf our interests at heart. lalala...
i'd also would like to say that the solutions mentioned above do not 100% work. i m not a psychologist. wat i haf written is based on my natural judgments and experiences. also, different pple react differently. therefore, i should not be held accountable if things fail when u try to implement those things mentioned above.
love u ling...
1:56 AM
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